


Letters To Moony

by thesoundofnat



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Letters, M/M, Original Character Death(s), POV First Person, he's writing letters what did you think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-09
Updated: 2015-12-09
Packaged: 2018-05-05 21:16:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5390723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesoundofnat/pseuds/thesoundofnat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Moony,</p><p>Two weeks came and went so quickly yet so slowly. I haven’t lost my mind yet. If you knew about my innocence you’d beg me to not lose my mind while you tried to fix this.</p><p>I’m holding onto those unsaid words.</p><p>Padfoot</p><p>(Or, being stuck in Azkaban gets a little bit easier when Sirius writes letters to Remus that he thinks Remus will never get to read.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Letters To Moony

**Author's Note:**

> There’s a possibility that this have been done before, and if it has, have my take on it.
> 
> Also posted on my tumblr thesoundofnat.tumblr.com

**Day 1.**

Moony,

I’d start with a“dear”, but I’m pretty sure you’d never forgive me if I did. Although I’m certain I’ve snatched the first spot on that list by now. You were never one to hold grudges, so I’m probably also the only name on that list of doom. A list I never wanted to land on.

I’m hurting, Moony. I’m hurting for James and Lily and the future they’ll never have. I’m hurting for Harry and the fact that he’ll never grow to know his parents. He won’t know what James sounded like when he almost screamed with laughter at something really lame I said. He won’t know Lily’s scent or her gentle touch. He won’t know that we used to all gather in their sitting room on Friday evenings and eat and drink and trade stories in order to forget the ongoing war. He won’t know what a beautiful family we were.

I’m also hurting for you, Moony. Can I still call you that? I’m sure you never want anyone to call you that ever again. It most likely brings too many memories with it. You think you’re alone in the world right now, and in a sense you probably are. No James, no Lily, no me. But Moony, you have to understand that I’d be there for you if I could. I never meant to abandon you.

I’m hurting for you and the grief you’re feeling. The rage. The grief for the people you lost, and the rage that I was the one to cause all of this. Because I know that’s what you think. That I killed them. Who else would be their Secret-Keeper but myself?

It wasn’t me, Moony. It was Peter. He betrayed them. He betrayed us all. I know there’s no way for you to know this now, and I’m scared you’ll spend the rest of your life hating me. That’s the only thing that makes me hurt for myself. That you think I did this. That you’ll never forgive me. That I’m on that godforsaken list that only someone who committed the worst crime of them all could end up on. I bet not even the Dark Lord himself is above me on that list.

I know you’ll never read this. I will probably be long gone by the time they carry out my decayed body. I bet they’ll ignore this letter.

Moony. I know you feel alone right now, but trust me, it’s a lot better than being stuck in Azkaban. I’d never want you to be stuck in Azkaban.

Padfoot (I’d say “love”, but I don’t want you to hate me even more)

**Day 14.**

Moony,

Two weeks came and went so quickly yet so slowly. I haven’t lost my mind yet. If you knew about my innocence you’d beg me to not lose my mind while you tried to fix this.

I’m holding onto those unsaid words.

Padfoot

**Day 50.**

Moony,

I don’t know why I haven’t written for so long. Maybe because I spend most of my time in my animagus form. Despite what may be a popular belief, holding a quill as a dog is quite hard.

I can safely say that I wouldn’t wish this upon my worst enemy. Except the Dark Lord. And Peter, of course. But no one else. Azkaban is torture. You should be happy, though, Moony, because you being a werewolf came in handy. Without it I never would’ve obtained the ability to turn into a dog, and that is currently the only thing keeping me sane.

I’m worried about Harry. Where is he now? With you? Are you taking care of him, Moony? I hope so. I’ve always known you’d be a great father. I hope you tell him that I love him. I know you won’t, but hope dies last, after all.

I don’t want my hope to die, Moony. Without it I’ll be gone before Harry can even talk properly.

**Day 62.**

Two months of pain. Two months of them being gone. Two months of the world thinking I’m a killer.

I didn’t kill Peter. I don’t think I ever actually mentioned that. He’s not dead, Moony. He’s out there, somewhere, probably in his rat form like the rat he is. He was always a rat. That’s why he was so good as one.

Being here gets tedious, so I’ve been humoring myself by going through some memories. Remember when we pushed Prongs into that lake the night he and Lily got engaged? We thought for sure that Lily would have a heart attack, but she probably laughed harder than all of us combined. She was so good for Prongs. She made him so happy. I was always grateful for that.

Remembering is painful, but the pain becomes manageable when it’s your default mode. Remembering is better than forgetting.

If I lose my mind I might forget. I don’t want that to happen.

**Day 65.**

I just remembered I forgot my own birthday two months ago.

**Day 65 part 2.**

I also seemed to have forgotten about Christmas and New Year’s.

Happy New Year, Moony.

**Day 79.**

I refrained from writing ten days earlier because I knew you’d roll your eyes at the joke I’d probably make.

**Day 84.**

I miss you.

**Day 85.**

I miss all of you.

**Day 100.**

I’ve been in here for a hundred days. That’s a lot of days, Moony. Imagine how many things I could’ve experienced during those days. How many good memories I could’ve made.

Harry probably looks like a completely different kid by now. I hope he’s happy with you, because that’s where I’ve chosen to believe he is. With you. Helping you heal. I know it’s not true, but a guy can hope.

An obsessive idea has been stuck in my mind lately. I keep waking up and thinking you’re here. Visiting me. Letting me explain. But you’re never here, Moony, and I know you never will be. I’m not sure I’d want you to see me like this anyway. It’s not a pretty sight. In fact it’s rather pathetic.

My hair’s a mess. There’s no way for me to fix it. I’m kind of glad there’s no mirror in sight.

I’m a mess, Moony, and once upon a time I knew you wouldn’t have minded, but today I’m not as sure. Things aren’t really the same now, are they?

I might not be all you have anymore. Your life might have gotten better in these 100 days. I hope so. I don’t want to be the only thing keeping you sane. Not from here.

I hope I’m not your entire world, but I hope you’re aware of the fact that you’re mine.

**Day 365.**

One whole year without them. I hope you’re doing fine, Moony. I know I’m not.

**Day 365 part 2.**

I’m getting out of here, and when I do, I’m going to kill Pettigrew.

**Day 366.**

I don’t know why I bother with these things. I know no one’s going to read them. But then again, it’s almost like a diary. You were always my diary, Moony. You and Prongs. But there were a few things I couldn’t confess to either of you. Not because I didn’t trust you, but because some things need to be kept to yourself.

I’m sure you know what I mean.

**Day 394.**

I love you, Remus.

**Day 401.**

I’m sorry I never told you that.

**Year 3.**

I’ve lost count of the days. All I know is that I’ve been rotting in this godforsaken place for about three years now. I’m not even sure what date it is. It doesn’t even matter anymore. Nothing matters anymore.

I’d apologize for not having written, but I know I’m speaking to deaf ears. I know that there’s no one on the other end. Some would say I was going insane. If that’s the case then I’ve always been insane.

Did you know that I wanted to become an auror and throw people in here? You probably do. I’ve most likely told you. My memory isn’t what it used to be. I keep racking my brain for good memories to help fend of the Dementors, so I guess I’m overworking it. Can brains stop working just like that?

Thank the werewolf that bit you for my animagus form, that’s all I’m saying.

**Year 5.**

I still love you.

**Year 9.**

You’re turning 30 this year. Or at least I think so. Has your birthday already passed?

Happy birthday, Moony.

**Year 10.**

Ten years in Azkaban. Ten years of loneliness. Ten years of missing them. Ten years of missing you.

It’s Harry’s first year of Hogwarts. Tell him good luck from me.

**Year 11.**

I bet Harry looks just like James. He was almost his complete copy when he was a baby. He had Lily’s eyes, though. I was always jealous of those eyes.

I bet he’s smart. I bet he’s great at Quidditch. I bet he’s making us all proud right now.

**Year 12.**

Moony,

I’m writing to you from a different location. I managed to escape. Boy does it feel great to breathe fresh air again. To not have the heaviness that are the Dementors be constantly upon me. I’m free and on a quest to kill Peter Pettigrew.

Hopefully you wish me good luck. It takes everything in me not to look for you. I know you wouldn’t want me to. It’d certainly put you in a difficult position seeing as I’m now a wanted man. I did go see Harry, though, but I think I freaked him out. He looks so much like James I thought he was a ghost. It only made me want to avenge them even more.

When people tell him he looks like his father he’s supposed to grin or roll his eyes and say that he’s already aware of that. Thanks to Peter he can’t. Not really. He never knew his parents, but it must hurt when people bring them up.

I want to help him by killing the person who made sure they were killed.

**Year 12 part 2.**

Hogwarts is even more beautiful than I remembered.

**Year 12 part 3.**

I almost had him, Moony. I almost had him.

**Year 12 part 4.**

I know you teach here. I’m going out of my way so that I won’t accidentally run into you. I’m not sure I would be able to handle that.

**Year 12 part 5.**

I was reminded of that time we kissed. We never told the others, did we? It was our little secret. Two 16-year-olds experimenting was a common thing. It was more than an experiment to me. I wish we would have talked about it. I was too scared to bring it up because I was sure you’d just wave it off. I wish I would’ve done it anyway.

I was so scared in my youth. I know I’m only a bit over 30, but I think Azkaban aged me. Or at least gave me enough time to think about all the foolish things I did, and all the things I foolishly didn’t do. All I left unsaid. I was a fool and a coward at times. If I had said this to you, you would’ve listed all the brave things I’d done in my life. That’s one of the reasons I love you, Moony. You always see the best in people.

You always saw the best in me, but you had a hard time seeing the best in you. I wish I had reminded you of how wonderful you are more often.

**Year 12 part 6.**

I want to kiss you again.

**Year 13.**

So many things happened these past few months, but I haven’t been able to write because I’ve been on the run again. This time with a Hippogriff. It has certainly been interesting.

We met, we talked, we hugged. Some days, when I’m exhausted, I think of that moment and smile. It helps me keep going. That and the fact that I still haven’t killed Pettigrew because Harry stopped me. Stopped us. At least one good thing came out of all this. You now believe me.

Meeting Harry was something else. He’s even more brilliant than I could’ve imagined. I almost expected him to be terrible, because of who he’s been living with, but he’s got such a gentle soul. I haven’t seen compassion like his in years. I would’ve loved to have seen him grow up.

A kid like him shouldn’t be in the Triwizard Tournament. I’m going back to Hogwarts. I wish you were still there.

**Year 13 part 2.**

Harry’s angry with me for being here, but it’s worth it to make sure he’s safe. I hope you’re well, Moony.

**Year 13 part 3.**

He’s back. I know you already know, because I’m currently laying low with you. We’re working on restoring the Order. I don’t know why I’m telling you this when you already know. I don’t know why I’m writing you this when I could just talk to you face to face. I guess it’s become a habit, after all these years.

I’m never going to show these to you.

**Year 14.**

If anyone forces me to stay within four walls again I’m going to commit the type of crime I was sentenced for.

Thank god you’re occasionally with me.

**Year 14 part 2.**

Dear Moony,

Your lips taste just as good as I remembered.

**Year 14 part 3.**

I still love you.

**Year 14 part 4.**

Dear Padfoot,

I love you, too. Always have, always will.

Please come back.

Love, Moony


End file.
